disintegrate

rate

Since it has been eons since I last blogged, I shall not bother to 'apologise for not updating'. Who am I kidding? No one reads this space anymore. Probably only my PL (HI LEON IF YOU ARE READING THIS!) who subscribes to this blog lol. And for that I'm quite thankful. I feel like I can say whatever I want on this blog without incurring anyone's wrath, not that I will - this is a public blog on the internet after all. Nonetheless, I'm glad for this sanctuary and I intend to make full use of it to just write about whatever I'm feeling. I've been keeping too many things buried in my heart for far too long.

What a night it has been.

The longstanding familial feud between B and Y took a toll on my sis and I today, and B said some very hurtful things which I will remember for the rest of my life. It's like B is possessed by some uncontrollable desire to get rid of Y. I don't understand this. He claims I am not logical and not seeing the master plan Y is executing. But after 3 years of law school, I think I am logical enough to know when B is being illogical himself. I really hate to see the people I love fight amongst each other. It's not a happy feeling. There's nothing much my sis and I can do, so we just hugged each other just now and prayed. We will mediate when we can, but it just pains me to see things unfolding like that.

And I also caught up with W, a cousin of mine. He confided in me, as I confided in him. My sis and I have always been distant from our cousins (due to something which happened a long time ago) and we kind of knew they have always disliked us, but hearing affirmation of all these things was like a stab to my heart. Things are at least cordial now, and I actually like some of them a lot! I don't yearn for them to ever accept us into their exclusive gang that has formed a decade or more ago, but I pray they will at least be fair. Be reasonable. Give us a chance to be your family. I'm really thankful to the cousins who do try - my sis and I know who you are. It also saddens me to hear that some adults are responsible for perpetuating negative emotions and thoughts amongst the cousins. If you're an adult, jolly well behave like an adult! Don't go around gossiping and talking behind people's back and doing sneaky things like a rat. If you're not happy with something, just be upfront about it and be a man! Otherwise you have no damn right to criticise me or my family and I swear if I hear about it again, I will confront you.

In other happier news, exams are over and I am intending to spend this summer doing what I really want to do - volunteer. There's no better feeling than that of giving back.

For now, I just need a good night's sleep.

Hello, world.

Yes, I am still alive and kicking, in case you're wondering (: I just haven't had the time nor energy to pen my thoughts down on this space. (:

It's the second day of April already - how time flies. Life has been fast-paced and akin to a whirlwind flood of events, one happening after another, with no time in between. Work piles up, stress sets in and sleep time lessens (and pimples start popping out).

School has been stressful. This sem the killer module as always is LAWR 2, where we're mooting. A moot's like a play-pretend lawyer thing, where we fight against 2 other people and defend our client infront of a panel o judges. Our final moots are happening next Wed, I pray it goes well. Currently, I'm quite lagging in work but I will buck up.

Thankfully, friends and boyfriend and family have been so supportive of me. (: Family has always been there, with Baba fetching me to and fro school with no complaint, Mama and Clay being there to listen to my woes, Yima being Yima as per normal. Yeekeong has been my pillar of strength, like he's been for the past 6 months 3 days (it's been so long alr haha) and I love him and am so grateful for him *hugs*. Friends have been wonderful too - grew much closer to my LAWR classmates this sem, and I miss the og7 girls a lot! (:

1 month more to end of exams, and then it'll be a short break before I leave for China for the 8th SSUE from 25th May - 8th June! (: Then LAW CAMP and more to come! (: Can't wait, really (:

Have to work hard and just count my blessings! (: Life's about perspective, right? (:

Jiayou, all (:

so damn disappointed in you.

HELLO WORLD (:

I haven't updated in EONS omg.

I'm sorry for all the previous emo posts! ): I have this innate tendency to rant on my blog when I'm down. Ranting just takes away a lot of that stress you know? (:

First week of sch has been...surprisingly alright. But that's probably just because it's the first week. It's so daunting thinking of all the work coming up, all the late nights ahead, etc etc. But then again, every cloud has a silver lining, and I'm alr looking forward to the 3 mth long hols at the end of this academic yr. (:

On a side note, I have a slipped disc ): GOLF INJURY. sighhhhh. Just had an X-ray and MRI scan done, and going for a second review with the specialist next Wed. Sigh so worried ): The doc was saying that if its serious, I might need to undergo surgery. Crosses fingers and hope everything turns out fine. ): And then it turned out YANQI has also got a slipped disc?! From swimming i think! omg that poor thing! Take care, sweetheart! Lisyn was still saying sth like, HJM shld all get slipped discs tgt -.- that crazy girl (x

Just got back from Mok and Tim's comms parade! (: omg it was SO spectacular - like better than NDP standard. CONGRATS SIRS. So proud of you guys! (: Waiting for tls to upload the pics! HEE HEE.

OKAY I AM GOING TO SLEEP NOW SO I CAN STUDY CRIMINAL LAW (LOVE IT) AND CONTRACT LAW TMR. GO ME! (:

I haven't felt this terrible in a long while. I'm so insensitive to others' feelings, even those closest to me. Of all the times I've failed, I've failed truly tonight. I'm sorry for not being there for you, for being worried about my own stupid issues rather than be there for you when you really needed me.

Perpetual pangseh.

I used to really like reading your blog, correction, I still do! But nowadays each time I visit it I find myself worrying about what I might read, which of the 'you's are actually referring to me.

I am sorry for the countless number of times I have pangseh-ed. To pangseh someone for no good reason is not something I would do. THAT IS NOT ME. When I do pangseh, I genuinely have good reasons, not because I am tired or something (I would still go even if I'm sick) but when family things or other non-missable appts crop up. Hence sometimes I really wonder why i am even feeling guilty about this, why i try to apologise but no one really gets it or tries seeing it from my point of view. I'm tired of always giving way to others until it's ?! to a point, sometimes i need someone to understand my pov too. I'm not GOD i have feelings and difficulties and i just can't please everybody. HAVE YOU TRIED SEEING IT FROM MY POINT OF VIEW? HAVEN'T YOU PANGSEHED BEFORE BECAUSE YOU HAD A GOOD REASON? what if others got angry at you for that, huh?

I am not trying to push the blame here or absolve myself from this sin which I have committed countless number of times. I think perhaps, it's me trying to please everybody. I love my friends, and I find it very hard to say 'no' when you or anyone else asks me if I'm free on this day/that day to do this and that, so I would normally think positive and say YUPP i'm free and then inform him/her later if I'm not free.

After being called a pangseher n number of times, and being chided so many times for this, I now realise this is not the way to go. And I have learnt my lesson.

That being said, that is the only thing I'm sorry for - for being too quick to say yes and deprive you of other plans you could have made.

For all the times I have pangsehed everyone and you in particular, I am truly sorry.

I don't want to rant anymore. I just hope that after these 3 years since we first befriended each other, you know me. You know me well enough to be able to conclude that I'm not one who will pangseh my friend for no good reason, just because I can sleep in, or because I have other friends to spend my time with. Well enough to know how much you mean to me, that I'm not lying or making empty promises when I say things like 'I'll always be there for you'. I'm trying my best here.

I need you to know that.

I LOVE YOU ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((: